I am utterly hopeless at relaxation.
There is always something right there in the back of my mind to chip and chip and dig away at me. I’ve tried everything, except class A drugs. Still, I’m haunted by this spectre of anxiety.
Part of the problem is that I both need and reject routine.
Routine works in that it helps to achieve the basic task of completing the day.
But I hate it. I hate predictable.
The turmoil that this presents to me is unimaginable.
Something that I used to enjoy was the early morning routine of waking, coffee and writing. That is one routine that I found rewarding and cathartic. I’d often wake with an idea for something; a seed. Something that I could run with for an hour. I could easily write a couple of pages of rough copy.
If I had a plan for a story I could write pretty clean copy. If I had the characters well defined in my mind I could sail through the hour and resent having to shower and leave the house.
So, for me, sanity and relaxation comes in the form of being constructive with my creativity. Art and drawing work but they aren’t nearly as rewarding to me as writing.
There are things that I can ‘say’ with such condensed writing that I’d struggle to get down with a drawing.
So, with my head geared toward making some subtle life changes, I intend to write more. I am a huge fan of journaling; the merits of which are well documented. Writing both deeply personal and more expressive copy are to be a welcome (re)addition to my daily schedule.
The fact that I then shower, dress and leave to work as a web developer for 6 hours is a minor annoyance. But having had that moment to write and reflect my thoughts before the sun rises is valuable to me. No distractions, just words.
I’ve kept a journal for a couple of years. I write everything in there. It’s private and contains things that are a spewing of my emotions. There’s anger, love, frustration and creativity in there. There’s a ton of stuff in there. I just write it out.
Every once in a while I re-read certain elements of it. But I never delete it.
Some days there’s little to discern the personal journal from the prose I’m attempting to write.
So my morning routine, such that it is, will now be wake, coffee, write, bathroom, work.
The ‘write’ part is key to establishing my mood for the day.
I will ask myself the question ‘how do I feel?’
The answer to this will most likely be another question – ‘what do I want to achieve today?’, ‘what did I achieve yesterday?’, ‘how can I be amazing today?’
What I don’t want to focus on is the misery, the anger, the frustration.